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[Jan. 3rd, 2010|02:02 am] |
I like being with you. I like hanging out. I like you texting me. I like you telling me cute stuff. I like car rides with you. I like talking about random things. I like visiting you at work. But I can't tell you I like you. The one thing you want to hear from me is probably the hardest thing for me to say. I'm not ready at all.
As much as I'd like to move forward a small part of me has to stay back. Do you ever feel like the person you are now is a completely different person than last year? Maybe we leave so much behind us and change ourselves so much that we aren't the same person. Or we are just evolving into our full selves. I would like to think that we are constantly changing. Because after awhile the same exact personality could get a bit dull after awhile. But it's good to keep a hold on the things that matter most and the things you care for.
With a new year comes a fresh start. I deleted all my text messages, I cleared all my emails, I trashed a lot of documents and now I have to work on my former friends. I seem to be constantly in a roller coaster of emotion with you. I care too much and that is never good. I deleted you off of my favorite list on my phone today. To me that symbolizes a lot. You constantly ignore any effort I make to hangout with you and I don't want to deal with it much longer.
You told me your new years resolution was to be a better person, and now you are making so much effort to hangout. Seeing you for the first time in a few months, I didn't get as excited as I imagined. I thought I'd miss you tremendously and your face would make my day but it didn't. You got your initials tattooed on your arm and when i commented you thought I was judging. You have done way worse in your life and I never judge. I care too much for you to judge. You worry me with the things you do and I wish you would stay out of trouble. Before when you got in trouble I would blame myself, and constantly think you were in that predicament because of me. Then I found out you were thinking the same thing, blaming me for what you had done. But when you realized that it was your own mistakes that brought you to were you are, you took a huge weight off of my shoulder. You disappeared on me, and I think I distance myself because I'm afraid you will do it again. Nothing will ever be the same as it was a year or two ago but I know whatever happens I will still care and be here for you.
Please don't change because you have a boyfriend. I beg of you. I enjoy every second I spend with you and the last thing I want to feel is distance between us.
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 29th, 2009|10:49 pm] |
I've come to realize that your high school friends will not remain your friends forever. I had the image in my head that we will never part ways but I realized that this idea was completely fictional. During my long break home, I've realized I focus too much attention/time on people who don't return the favor. I would sit at home depending on the texts saying we would hangout. I focused all my time on making plans with you. I put a lot of effort into friendships when I really shouldn't for some. When a friend is upset or in a rut, I feel for them and worry cause I care for them. I give words of advice and hope they allow themselves to even listen to it or take it into consideration. But when they continue to dig themselves deeper and deeper into the problem, I get so frustrated and take up so much energy to get them out. I can't take so much strain on myself anymore. If you want to babysit your xboyfriend who deals drugs and cheated on you, then go for it. If you want to date your xboyfriend who cheated/lied to you, then go for it. But when you are at the deepest part of that hole screaming my name, I won't be able to hear you anymore. I was here for you for too long and I can no longer take the strain on myself to care if you don't give two shits to even bother to hangout with me when I'm in town. I care too much and you both don't care at all.
Christmas was amazing. Being with my family, the lights sparking all around our house, the christmas tree scent filling the house, and golden stockings hanging over the fireplace has to be the best moment this break. Christmas puts me in the best mood ever. I love the holiday commercials, the specialty drinks at Starbucks, all of the stores playing holiday jingles, and everyone in a good mood. After exams, this was by far the best thing to come home to. To top it off the look on my parent's faces when they recieved the letter in the mail saying I made it on the Dean's List because of my good grades. Watching them light up with complete joy, and being so proud has pushed me to keep going.
New Year's Resolutions:
Don't let the small things bring me down.
Don't let other people's problems take up my entire life.
Focus on myself for once.
Eat healthy and workout frequently.
Devote my time into school and improving my fashion skills
Give more time to my paintings and drawing skills
Learn to use my camera to it's full potential
Try not to break anything (electronic wise)
Enjoy little moments in life
Don't talk shit about people, and reduce the gossip talking |
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